9 – Hypomanic blogging-Right now though? Right at this very minute? The truth is I’m hypomanic. It’s 4.08am and I’m typing like an olympic touch typist.
8 – Finding the answers-As some of you may know, a few days ago I blogged about being raped. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever written about. The following day I was so raw. So down. So numb. The most overwhelming emotion though, was guilt.
7 – Looking for the answer-I’m going to do what I do when going into a cold swimming pool. I’m going to hold my breathe and jump straight in. Deep breathe. Jump. 14 years ago I was raped.
6 – Healing hands from afar-They’ve felt pain and heartache as they’ve witnessed the blackest of times in my life, and they’ve seen the equally alarming euphoria where at times they’ve found it hard to recognise me.
5 – Thank you MK-The bottom line was though, if I didn’t take some kind of action, this was going to be the shortest marriage in history due to me being so poorly (and consequently, extremely difficult to live with).
4 – Stepping out of the sea-My plan was to take a whole heap of valium and wade out into the sea until it became so deep that I’d need to swim. To swim as far as I possibly could, until exhaustion and the valium kicked in. I wanted to drown. I wanted to die.
3 – Becoming me-I wouldn’t change the good times in these past few chapters, naturally, but having thought about it a lot, I actually wouldn’t change the bad times either.
2 – Today is a good day-Then came some actual real life interaction with the mummies at the school gate. As in, proper interaction. Relaxed, controlled, and dare I even say it, enjoyable chat. I think I even made eye contact at one point. Today was a good day.
18 – My first nervous breakdown-My self esteem was on the floor from constant rejection. I was tired of faking a smile. Tired of hiding my illness. Overwhelmed by everything.